Wre-vise, Wre-write, Wednesday: What are you trying to say?

I’ve mentioned before that my writing is most successful when I decide ahead of time what I want to convey. Today I want to elaborate. For example: This is my daughter’s last 100 point parade.
The school is usually calm.
This is a wild and crazy and noisy event that the whole school participates in.
The last one is most important. I decided the best way to convey this was to create a scene: to describe the event as if you were watching it happen, rather than just give a summary after. I needed to start with the calm, go to the craziness, and back to the calm. I think it worked for this story:
The halls are quiet. The few students not in class are walking quietly with their hands at their sides. At precisely 2:45 Mrs. Bott reaches for the intercom microphone and announces the beginning of the 100 point AR parade. All the classrooms are emptied as excited students pour out into the hallways. They line up, some with noisemakers as they prepare for the parade. Emily and the other 100 point-ers move quickly to the office in their brightly colored Lewiston Leopard Reader shirts and line up behind the principal. When everyone is ready, he turns the siren on and heads down the first hall. Teachers bang on noisemakers and ring cow-bells, students shout and cheer as the paraders run by. The only time it is OK to run in the halls is when you are following the principal in the 100 point parade. Four hundred and fifty high-fives as they run by each of the kids. They exit the building and return in the next hall. Out the back door, and into the next building. Past the 5th graders, some who are tall enough to make tunnels with their arms, the runners dash and dart. Three short minutes later it’s all over-except for the lunch room, where parents and students line up for their “picture with the principal for the wall-of-fame.” The calmness returns to the halls.
Mr. Thomas started the 100 point parade when Emily was in 1st grade, and when he left, Mr. Baker continued the much loved tradition. Most years Emily read enough AR books to earn a spot in the parade. This year as her last at Lewiston, was also her last 100 point parade. She chose the bright pink shirt-the most popular this year-even with the boys. We are so proud of her!
Here’s my finished LO: